breathe 

If my mind was a source code, then depression is a malicious code.

comforting supper night with one of my best friends & a badass hannibal buddy, i miss everyone so much. 

After a long talk , YY gave my hands a squeeze asking if i was ok… if we weren’t in public i’d have cried. I look at her , i look at YZ , i think about the rest, i miss them. I want to hug them all and not let them go. 

The pills are slowly decreasing, i have minimise the dosage per day so it can last longer. 

But i know i can’t drag too long, i need to see my psychiatrist soon. I have truckload of things to fill him in and the thought of talking about it makes my emotions go erratic. 

the anger and stress that’s slowly building up inside, it’s still under control. But the crying episodes, it’s barely within my grasp. 

I went to reread articles about Jules Bianchi’s death. He’s a really young talented F1 driver , and he passed away at the age of 25 due to a horrible crash at an F1 race last year. 

I ended up in tears minutes later. I cried for him, i grieve for his passing and his family. He’s a complete stranger, i don’t follow news about him until his death. 

But he was full of life and i just felt, people like him deserve to live longer. He was positive , he’s full of drive. And yet, death claimed him early. 

“I want to die. I should be the one dead, he should be alive.” I thought. 

He has more reasons to live than me. 

A depressive doesn’t want to be happy, Matt Haig said before. Depressive like us just want to feel an absence of pain. And for that to happen is to stop living. 

We all have the same fear of dying. But depressive have the fear of living and dying. 

For me , add in a third. The fear of sleeping.

The nightmares are occuring again, just a nap in the afternoon could make me wake up startled and sweating in fear. 

The stress from school is picking up and i feel so exhausted already. 

3:50am.

x

 

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