Spoke less than 8 sentences during my 3 hour 10minutes duration in school today. Yes, i actually counted.
I wasn’t in the conversational mood. I could hear my friends’ laughter in their conversations, i just tune out every voice i hear around me and used my phone to keep me occupied.
It’s just one of those days where i formed a bubble around me .
I didn’t even bused home (after that horrible traffic jam to school) , i don’t regret cabbing home instead. Sure, it was costly, but i was home half an hour earlier. That makes quite a difference for me.
Plus halfway during lecture my abdomen started hurting again. It felt like gastric pain, and at that time i was feeling stress as well, so i don’t know which was the cause.
I am also starting to feel myself distancing from my friends in different ways.
I can feel myself pulling away, long conversations to short conversations to no conversations.
Going through this period where i don’t feel like talking , just want to be alone with my demons and pills.
I am feeling increasingly tired of putting on poker faces everyday, showing people i am fine and ok.
Because i feel like shutting myself in my room and cry. Seeing happy people gives me a reminder.
“oh shit, i have to portray as happy as that person. The mask won’t come off, people won’t ask questions as long as i act as happy as them.” I thought.
It’s easy to get away through texts. But face to face, it’s hard to maintain .
I know there are many people out there who have bigger , more severe life problems compared to mine.
Mine isn’t any lesser in my world. So is yours in your world. Our problems are equally significant , just different humans.
Feel like crying again. This is so exhausting.