turbulence 

Have your gut feeling ever feel so strong about something ? Something that is eating you inside, that keeps your mind occupied the entire day? 

It’s going to be a bad week . That’s what it is , what it will be for me. 

You just know it, the mind just conjure up wonderful fucked-up worthy imaginations of what’s going to unfold this week.

You are going to feel more fucked up this week . Not because you can’t help it, but because it’s going to happen. And you will let it happen. You are not a machine, Sheryl. You can’t be fixed. 

 That’s what the voices has been whispering to me. 

There’s an ongoing turbulence going on in my mind. I feel like disintegrating , i feel like vanishing without a trace. 

The unexplainable pain and sadness that’s growing, is agonising. 

Depression has shadows. And the shadows leech on me, never leaving me alone. 

I was practicing the piano this afternoon and after 3-4 minutes, i started to get angry with myself. 

Slamming the piano cover , a fleeting thought passed through my mind

If only i lost grip of the piano cover and let it slam down onto my fingers. Perhaps it will take away the emotional pain that i am feeling inside. It takes a greater pain to forget another pain. 

I know, that’s foolish of me to think like that.

If it’s any easier, digging my heart and mind out giving it a reformat process would be a better way out.

I am stronger than this, i can get through this, i mustn’t succumb to such terrible thoughts of life.

The fighter side of me keep encouraging that. But so what? On good days , yes these words will get me by. On bad days , these words don’t exist. 

Trust me, i wanna hurt myself so badly for being so weak on bad days. I hate me when this happens. 

What happen to the positive side of me that was slowly picking up weeks ago? Where did she go? 

She got swallowed by the negativity that’s secretly growing bit by bit each day.

x

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