The crying episodes are not stopping. I find myself crying, dwelling between life and death. I am not exactly suicidal but i am waiting to die. I know it’s depressing, i hate this too.
Turned 23 yesterday, had catch-up tea with Sachi and Angie. I miss them, seeing them always make me wish i was still 16. Granny’s 80th birthday dinner with my dysfunctional family was odd, poker faces, forced conversations.
I am glad my cousins were there, I wished we could meet more than just once every two years.(We don’t meet during CNY and christmas anymore, dysfunctional family we have.)
After much delay, i finally went to Aaron’s place. It’s been months since we actually gather at his place. Not the whole clique was present but it’s better than zero turn up.
Fifa, cards against humanity, circle of death, the usual.
My birthday was over and then i couldn’t control my fears and anxiety. I broke down in Aaron’s living room. I felt choked up, torn ,weak, helpless, stupid and pain. I couldn’t stop those traitorous tears.
It was uncontrollable, and it scares me that i had an episode outside of my home.
What happens when i have an episode in school or in a mall?
I am glad the guys who saw didn’t confront or ask. And they didn’t shun me out or judge me. That alone, is more than enough.
Aaron and YY even sent me a text after we went home, telling me they would be here for me. I felt like tearing again and crumbling into a corner upon reading the texts.
So the rest of Sunday, I thought it was safe already, my thoughts were a lot calmer.
Until i had another crying episode minutes ago. I should never assume it would stop .
It’s exhausting to cry every night. But i can’t help it. I ran out of excuses to not cry. I ran out of excuses and lies to convince myself and people that i am recovering well.
No, i am not recovering well at all. I am moving backwards, i am falling.
School starts on Tuesday, the start of my year 3 university life.
I find myself questioning if my mind is ready for school ?
Because all that is in my mind right now is that i want to disintegrate .
A voice in my head tells me i need to pay a visit to my psychiatrist soon. Something in me is changing and i feel very broken.
I feel vulnerable and the anxiety makes every atom of fear and worry inside of me a lot worse.
I am trying to be normal, but i don’t know what is normal anymore. I can’t have a normal night without tears shed, without agonising sadness.
Depression and anxiety is a huge ball of nightmare. Too much poison.