When hopes & fears collide

in need of having some ugly crying /meltdown.

fell sick a day after chalet, was too sick to make it
to school, BUT I MADE A WRONG CHOICE.

Told doc about my clogged breathings, the difficulty
in breathing & she reckons it was my impending flu.
Until i realise even when my flu slowly subsides, the
suffocating feeling still persists.

No, it’s not the haze’s doing either.

Friends are commenting how tired i look, i couldnt
wipe off that exhaustion on my face.

to make things worse, these few days i’m chalked     with nausea . I couldn’t eat without the feeling of wanting to puke.

while eating dessert halfway last night, i couldn’t
fight my nausea & puked it out. every time when
I am hungry, i could feel the nausea bubbling in me.

it happens when i’m done mugging / in the midst
of doing so / after school. & then i just got so sick of
feeling nauseous that i lose appetite.

It is like, i rather starve than to eat. My usual food
doesn’t appeal to me anymore. It makes me sick .

So irritated , annoyed with everything plus lack of   sleep, it makes me want to stab people’s eyes with a scalpel if they pisses me off.

I am so sick of pretending and acting along with everyone.

I am not okay at all, i need to cry it out but it’s just not happening.

I want to escape, i want to run away and hide from
this world. It’s a terrible place to live in.

Someday i would just lose my sanity & plunge

myself into the abyss.

x

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