it’s getting harder each passing day.
23 days since i had my first job, 7 days since i resigned from my first job. I am back to being unemployed, engaged and bonus, final tertiary results was released 8 days ago and i am officially done with school.
my first job as a headhunter wasn’t easy. People tend to think a recruiter is an easy to do job, you just have to keep calling and all sorts. There is a difference between a recruitment agency and executive search firm (which most people always tend to think they are the same). Different tier, due diligence process is different as well. The stress level is similar but the fear level is a whole lot scarier, in my case.
The area i have to deal with , the candidates are not fresh graduates, not diploma holders, not young adults. Nowhere near my age even. They are the senior practitioners, those being in the field even before i was born / crawling. COO, Managing Director, Associate Director the list goes on. And their annual pay is like 250K-300K kinda figures (can you feel my pressure and fear when i talk to them on the phone?) They are the warriors, the ones who fought hard in the field for years. I feel like a mouse when i talk to them.
I was sad that i had to break the contract with the company (the colleagues & boss are nice people) that i actually teared up after leaving but I know, I wasn’t suited for the nature of the job. It was detrimental to the company’s resources and time as well as my mental health whereby i had to visit my doctor again. Just think about all the crying every night when i go to sleep and every morning before i go to work, i was worse than a kid going to school on his first day.
All that crying built up a lot of anxiety (self-induced) that caused me to not be able to sleep well. I perform alright at work in fact, the boss did try to persuade me to stay. But to me, my well-being comes before money and my career (even though i sound very selfish and self-centered right?)
I was reunited (not a happy reunion) with my old friends – the anxiety pills but of course i wasn’t prescribed anti-depressants because i didn’t have unhealthy thoughts.
I feel like i am slapped back to square one where the job hunt continues every day and waiting by the phone, waiting for an interview call-in vain. It’s tough and demoralizing to see more and more of my friends are already securing jobs and doing well whereas here i am, back in limbo or some thing.
I have to constantly keep myself occupied in the day so that my thoughts won’t wonder as it would only make my anxiety grow bigger. I need to be stronger and not cave in to the anxiety and fear of making mistakes.
At the same time, i keep telling myself it’s for the better that i had resigned. As much as the company was really good and all, it wasn’t healthy for my mental health and I was affecting my loved ones despite good work performance. I wouldn’t say i have no regrets, i do have regrets. I wished i was mentally stronger or be able to sweep the anxiety under the carpet, but that’s not the case.
And of course my Mom in particular wasn’t happy about me leaving because she thinks in a more “economical” / “practical” sense with the not so active job market and it’s Q4 of 2017 it’s harder to secure a job blah blah. So in a nutshell, she’s disappointed with me that i could feel her disappointment looming over me whenever she’s home.
But really, which is more important? I love my family, i do. And i know how important money plays a part in surviving.
I just wish… people of that generation could understand better and not undermine the power of anxiety.
I know i put a lot of pressure on myself and most of the time it’s coming from myself. I need to pursue my career with baby steps.
And the wait continues.